Bill Stifler with Tim Dills, Denis Kiely, and Bill Teem

Fall semester 2009 saw Chattanooga State involved in a building project that has extended beyond the expected completion date. As a consequence, faculty and staff found themselves shuttling across Amnicola Highway from the old Sears service center parking lot. Despite the obvious inconvenience, over time a sense of camaraderie developed as we spent more time with colleagues we seldom saw in our normal routines. One of my favorite TV shows is the ABC show Whose Line Is It Anyway? with Drew Carey. The following is a parody of one of their musical routines in honor of our recent campus “adventure.”

 

Songs of the Parking Lot

Ryan: We’re here today to present this compilation album Songs of the Parking Lot . This 16 long play vinyl set contains great songs like the Creedence Clearwater Revival hit “Whining on the River” (“Rollin’ on the River”)

 

Whining, whining, whining on the river
Whining, whining, whining on the river . . .

 

Cullen: And that’s not all. This collection features every musical genre. Take this old folk song “Cross the Amnicola” (“Oh, Shenandoah”)

 

Oh Parking Lot, I long to see you
Away, cross Amnicola
Oh, Parking Lot, I long to see you
Away, I’m Bound Away
Cross the Amnicola

It’s been five long months since last I saw you
Oh Faculty Parking Lot
It’s been so long, oh how I’ve missed you
Away, I’m bound away
Cross Amnicola

 

Cullen: That brings tears to my eyes.

 

Ryan: Well, then you’re going to love this old song, too, “Home to the Lot” (“Home on the Range”)

 

Oh, give me a lot where no bulldozers roam
And the staff and the faculty park . . . “

 

and this classic folk song “Poor Bus Riding Teacher” (“Poor Wayfaring Stranger”)

 

I am a poor bus riding teacher
I have a hard row I must hoe
But there’s no parking for this creature
On that campus to which I go

 

I’m going there
To give an exam
So turn off your cell phone
I’m going over Amnicola
I’m only going over home

 

I know dirt piles
Will gather round me
I know the ride will be cramped and hot
But the asphalt they are a-pouring
Where one day will be a parking lot

 

Well I’m going there
To share some knowledge
Once I get through this construction zone
I’m going over Amnicola
I’m only going over home.

 

The fall semester will soon be over
It will disappear without a trace
Can’t believe I paid for a decal
And didn’t get a parking space

 

I’m going there
To meet with my Dean
Tell him I’m going to roam
I’m leaving this sweet Amnicola
I’m only going over home.

 

Ryan: Cullen, what would you pay for a once-in-a-lifetime collection like this?

 

Cullen: I’d pay a million dollars . . . ok . . . probably not that much.

 

Ryan: Boy, are you in luck. This 16 vinyl set can be yours for the low, low price of $500, and you will have the satisfaction of knowing that every cent of that money will go into hauling off the mountains of bad dirt, the old broken pieces of pavement, and the worn out tires from the vans and shuttle bus.

 

Cullen: Speaking of bad dirt, you don’t want to miss that Lynrd Skynrd hit “Bad Dirt Blues” or this blues number “That Old Blacktop Magic” (“That Old Black Magic”)

 

That Old Blacktop magic’s got me in its spell
That Old Blacktop magic that I loved so well
I’d drive in slowly and I’d find my place
I’d park all day and then I’d leave my space . . .

 

Cullen: And if you charge it to your credit card in the next ten minutes, we will also throw in this special bonus album, Christmas Songs of the Shuttle Bus with such perennial favorites as

 

I’ll Have a Blue Permit by Christmas
We Three Shuttle Bus Drivers
I’ll Be Parking by Christmas
O Parking Lot, O Parking Lot
Grandma Got Run Over by the Shuttle

 

Ryan: And that’s not all. With your prepaid order, you will also get this genuine free blue parking permit. “If you walked into any store and asked for an album like this, they would say you were crazy” [Billy Mays pitchline]. And don’t overlook the great rock hits on this album like “Imagine” (“Imagine” by John Lennon)

 

Imagine there’s no changes…
It’s easy if you try
A parking lot out front
Out back more, I could cry
Imagine all the students
Parking in their lot
You may say we’re dreamers
But we’re not just singing this tune
I hope someday we’ll park here again
But I wouldn’t count on it soon.

 

Or this hit by the Monkees, “Last Van to Sears” (“Last Train to Clarksville” by the Monkees)

 

Take the last van to Sears
And I’ll meet you at the bus cone
You have to be there by four thirty
Cause the bus driver’s going home
Don’t be slow, oh no, no, no
Oh no, no, no

 

Cullen: Ryan, you know I love Sheena Easton.

 

Ryan: Oh, yes, she is a beautiful woman with a beautiful voice.

 

Cullen: Well, do you know my favorite Sheena Easton song?

 

Ryan: No, what is it?

 

Cullen: It’s “My Teacher Takes the Morning Van” (“My Baby Takes the Morning Train”)

 

My teacher takes the morning van
He works from nine till five and then
He takes another van again
To find me waitin’ for him

 

Ryan: Cullen, that was beautiful, but I have to say, I like a little sauce in a woman’s voice, and no one is sweeter than Tammy Wynette singing “Stand By Your Van.” (“Stand By Your Man”)

 

Sometimes it’s hard to be a Chatt Stater
Trying real hard not to be a hater
You’ll have bad times
And you’ll have good times
They’ll be things you don’t understand
But you love it so you’ll forgive it
Even though you can’t understand
And if you love it
Oh be proud of it
Cause after all it’s just a van

 

Stand by your van
Give it two cheeks to rest on
And something warm to come to
When days are cold and lonely
Stand by your van
And tell the world you love it
Keep giving all that you can
Stand by your van

 

Stand by your van
And show the world you love it
Keep giving all that you can
Stand by your van

 

Cullen: Well, you know, I grew up in Canada, but my favorite state in the U.S. is Tennessee, and I love their state song, “Parking Lot, Tennessee” (“Rocky Top, Tennessee”)

 

Wish I was in that parking lot
Down off Amnicola Lane
Ain’t no asphalt on that parking lot
Ain’t it a big ole pain
Once we could park in that parking lot
Half faculty the other half staff
Wide as a Ford, long as a Cadillac
We still dream about that

 

Parking lot, you’ll always be
Home sweet home to me
Good ole parking lot
Parking lot Tennessee, parking lot Tennessee

 

Once some dozers tore up parking lot
And left a big hole to fill
Dozers still sit in that parking lot
Wonder if they always will.
Cars can’t park at all on parking lot
Dirt’s too soggy by far
That’s why all the folks at Chatt State
Go to Sears to park their cars

 

Parking lot, you’ll always be
Home sweet home to me
Good ole parking lot
Parking lot Tennessee, parking lot Tennessee

 

We’ve had months of cramped up parking life
Trapped like chicks in a pen
We all know it’s a pity life
Wish it were simple again

 

Parking lot, you’ll always be
Home sweet home to me
Good ole parking lot
Parking lot Tennessee, parking lot Tennessee
Parking lot Tennessee, parking lot Tennesee
Parking lot Tennesseee eee eee eee

 

Ryan: Now I know, some of you are still saying $500 is a lot of money, but when you break it down, it comes out to a little more than $2 a song, and that practically amounts to the money you saved in gas and road wear by not driving onto the campus parking lot all semester.

 

Cullen: Speaking of which, you don’t want to miss this great Josh Turner country hit

“ Chatt State Bus” (“Long Black Train”)

 

There’s a Chatt State Shuttle,
Comin’ down the line,
Feedin’ off the teachers that are lost and cryin’,
Wheels of sin, only evil remains
Watch out brother for that Chatt State Bus

 

Look to the heavens
You can look to the skies
You won’t find redemption
Staring back into your eyes
There’s no protection and no
Peace the same, burnin’ your ticket for that
Chatt State Bus

 

Oh, there’s cryin’ at the school today
Cryin’ at the school
Hang on brother, don’t you feel no shame
Just forget your riding on
that Chatt State Bus

 

There’s some old driver on that Chatt State Bus,
Makin’ you wonder if the ride is worth the pain,
He’s just a hoping that your heart will say
Let me ride on that Chatt State Bus,

 

Oh, there’s cryin’ at the school today
Cryin’ at the school
Hang on sister, don’t you feel no shame
Just forget your riding on
that Chatt State Bus

 

(This here’s the musical interlude)

 

Well, I can see him comin’ from a mile away,
It looks so frightful
But I can’t get away
That bus is a terror, makin’ everybody stare
But its only destination is the Sears parking lot,

 

But, there’s victory at the school today,
Victory at the school
The pavin’s over and the lot is done
Oh, I won’t be riding on that Chatt State Bus

 

I said hang on tight, cause the pavin’s done
And don’t go ridin’ on that Chatt State Bus
Yeah, watch out sister for that Chatt State Bus
Tammy Swenson’s drivin’ that Chatt State Bus

 

Thanks to Tim Dills for the lyrics to “Poor Bus Riding Teacher,” “Imagine,” “Last Van to Sears,” “My Teacher Takes the Morning Van,” “Stand By Your Van,” and “Parking Lot, Tennessee.” Thanks to Denis Kiely for the suggestion of the Billy Mays pitchline, and to Bill Teem, who suggested several Christmas album titles. Thanks also to Drew Carey and the Whose Line cast for their inspiration.

 

P.S. To further our parking woes, a sinkhole has appeared in the faculty parking in front of the Industrial Tech building. We may actually become the College on the River if we get more rain.

© Bill Stifler, 2009