Tonight I took my first ballroom dancing lesson.¹ I’ve wanted to learn to dance for some time. I remember watching the young actor Patrick Dempsey dance in a movie, and he looked so smooth and graceful–Fred Astaire always seemed all sharp angles when I watched him as a kid. I’ve never been graceful or particularly at home in my body, so I had some nervous reservations about the class. At the same time, I thought the class would be very valuable for me. I have trouble with my balance–an inner ear problem–and I thought the class might help me develop coping skills. I lack coordination, and I hoped the class would help with that. Also, I’ve had a problem with assertiveness in social situations involving the opposite sex, and I reasoned that the dynamics of social dancing might help with that. It looks like I may have been right on all counts.

Our instructor Bill Rader is clever. He had the guys line up on one side of the room and the gals on the other. Most of the people there were married couples, but there were a handful of us who are single. I watched the single women match themselves opposite us. Fortunately, I have a high tolerance for rejection and wasn’t bothered that I seemed to be the “last man standing” as the gals sorted themselves out.

My first partner Barbara is about my age or a bit older and married. Her husband can dance but travels, and she wants to learn to dance for him. Bill had us begin by standing facing each other palm to palm. Then, using a gentle pressure, the guys “pushed” the gals around the room. The goal is to build a sense of rapport and “body connection” between the partners. The interesting things was that as long as Barbara and I just chatted, the rapport worked well. We only had problems when we started thinking about it.

I have a weak left arm, and I was concerned about how that was going to work. Barbara decided to pair up with the young fellow beside us, and I ended up with Teresa as my partner. I’m guessing Teresa is several years younger than me. While Barbara is very meek, Teresa tends to lead, which actually helped me at first because she was quicker at picking up the moves. What I realized, however, as we continued was that I needed to lead, and the most effective way for me to do that was to focus on her, feel the rhythm and my balance, and then just move in the way that Bill showed us.

We began with a simple four step that is less about steps and more about shifting balance from leg to leg. Then we added a scissoring motion with the arms that pulled our partners to us. Next he showed us how to spin our partners. That was a challenge for me because of my weak left arm. Bill showed me a right handshake technique, however, that works for me, and soon I was spinning first Barbara and then Teresa. Next we learned a turn for the guys, which was the easiest thing I did. Before our session was over, we were actually dancing. Then Bill had us swap partners, and I again realized how much of what we were doing was about connecting with our partner.

The key lies in balancing with your partner. The guy has to plan his moves in advance, then execute them smoothly. The gal has to be ready for whatever the guy does, and move with him. She can’t anticipate him because if she does she moves out of their balance. I also found that so long as I focused on my partner instead of on myself, the dancing was easier. I had to move with her, and then as we gained balance, gently shift the balance and move into the new pattern.

And isn’t that what the dance of the sexes is all about. We learn to step outside ourselves and connect with our partner. At any moment, only one can lead while the other follows, and if both are in sync, neither will do something that the other finds uncomfortable. I envy the married couples in the class who will go home this week (or I hope they do) and practice. Barbara had to leave before the last dance, and I tried doing the moves by myself, but without a partner to balance me, I couldn’t get into the rhythm.

So if you are married, or if you have just begun a relationship, you might consider ballroom dancing. In addition to great exercise and good clean fun, you might also find that the dancing adds a deeper dimension to your relationship and helps the two of you discover that balance that is at the heart of any good and healthy relationship.

¹ This article was originally posted on my MySpace blog, Friday, September 30, 2005.

P.S.  This article led to my meeting my wife.  While dating, we took a ballroom dancing class together.

© Bill  Stifler, 2005